Red line defined

 

I confided in a coworker and friend yesterday about my anxiety and my broken brain. Will is a Christian man who is also a preacher. He's a good man with a wife and kids and I trust him. We were working together on my first Advanced Practice Paramedic (APP) ride along. I have to do 6 of these ride alongs before I'm considered an APP fill in. I was "promoted" to fill in when I wasn't deemed qualified enough for a full time slot, but that's an entirely different blog for another day.

I told Will about my swirling while on the cardiac arrest and how I felt that had I been in the position of having to calculate drugs, I don't think I could have functioned. I was thankful that I was only responsible for the monitor that call. Will was very sincere and concerned when he said "Patti, what's your red line? When do you finally draw the line and listen to the docs and go on leave until you figure this out?" I had absolutely no good answer. I explained to Will how until now, my broken brain hadn't interfered with patient care; how I've been able to work around it; how I recognize when it's happening; etc... But the other day, I had difficulty calculating Fentanyl! It's easy! 100mcg/2ml... 50mcg in 1ml! I wanted to give a patient 50mcg and I gave her 0.5ml. 25mcg of Fentanyl. I UNDERDOSED her, but what if I gave her too much? Why couldn't I calculate the Fentanyl? 

I researched my FMLA. I have 3.8 weeks left until August. It's March. I don't know that my brain can wait until August. It's getting worse by the day. I used to go days between attacks, now it's hours. It's daily that my brain swirls. Something's got to give. It's swirling now. It was swirling while I was talking to Will. I drove all shift yesterday and had to really focus- it was difficult. Where's my red line? I wish I knew.